man,

so much shit has happened. so much shit. i'm sorry i'm not better about updating this

10:24 ... RE: breakup

i haven't picked a title for this yet. i usually pick a title and then write. i don't know what to call this, it's just ramblings that i need to write so i can have stuff out of my head


it's 9:49 AM. i've been up for about an hour, giving me something like 4 hours of sleep last night. i'm not tired. my body must have just ran out of water or something, my eyes are dry heaving like the morning after a long, long night.

i think part of my problem right now is how conflicted i am in my own self. i understand everything that you told me yesterday. i know exactly what happened, i know why it had to happen, and i'm not mad at you. all i ever asked was that you shared your feelings with me and that's exactly what you did. i'm many things but i'm not a hypocrite. the conflict comes from my most basic instinct which just doesn't want to believe it. this is something that i KNOW but my brain is trying to get me to ignore it, as though it didn't happen. but it did happen, and i can't ignore it. my brain fucks with me sometimes... maybe i'll just get a new one.

i'm a better person as a direct result of these last few months, as a direct result of you. i'm nicer, except to Kaitie, but fuck her right? i'm much more personable to the people i encounter. i've had a bounce in my step that's been missing since the day i put my dog to sleep freshman year. there was a purposeful feeling inside me, and i felt some quality about myself that i hadn't felt before just because i was so amazed that a girl like you could feel about me that way. that's a real big confidence booster, when an incredible girl decides she likes you like that. the other day i looked in the mirror and didn't pick out bad things. i liked the way i look. who fucking knows when the last time that happened was. i still think i look ok, but i'm not as sure as i was

its a fucked up thing that the best time we have spent together recently was that hour or so after we broke up. that is fucked up. what you did for the last two weeks was fucked up, making me worry so much about what i did. i'm not mad, i'm not bitter, but that can't be debated. i haven't had my mind off of it for a second, and it just about wrecked me. i'm sad that you don't love me the same way i love you, but that happens. nobody can be faulted for that.

didn't go to school today. taylor asked why, cause for whatever reason she didn't go either. i told her i didn't feel like it. she'll read this at some point or another, i'm sure. melina asked too, actually. she knows a little more though, i'm always a little uncomfortable talking about this stuff to my sisters for some reason. i think because i'm supposed to be the big brother, i'm not supposed to let stuff like this fuck me up. but i do, i did, i will continue to. big brothers can feel too, except Orwellian ones.

i'm going to miss a lot of things. i'm going to miss driving around in my car with you, holding your hand as we go. i'm going to miss leaning over my center console to give you a kiss. i'm going to miss walking you out to ROP every day. i'm going to miss Coach Vick saying "watch out, here's the campus couple!" i'm going to miss the office ladies asking how you are. i'm going to miss saying "excellent" when people ask how we are doing. i'm going to miss seeing you hot and breathless. i'm going to miss parking across the street from 1927 Purple Sage almost every day. i'm going to miss park days, i've never had a park night but i'm going to miss the chance. i'm going to miss trying to come up with wild ways to sneak out because my mom is a fucking hawk. i'm going to miss dialing those 9s, 6s, 4s and that 0 every night before i go to sleep and every morning when i wake up. i'm going to wish you happy birthday on September 13th, but Jemaine would probably be dissapointed in me. i'm going to miss hearing your special ring tone. i'm going to miss you touching my arm or my back when you walk by in photo. i'm going to miss our long goodbyes at night. i'm going to miss sitting on that bench and watching what goes on. i'm going to miss lying on the grass with you and jade and kelsey and stephy. i'm going to miss holding your hand, i'm going to miss sneaking up on you, i'm going to miss surprising you with ice cream, i'm going to miss making you dinner, i'm going to miss kisses through the phone, i'm going to miss MMS messages that would make my day, i'm going to miss Marisa the one I want.

i'm going to miss feeling like i'm fucking unstoppable, like nothing can hurt me. i'm going to miss you.

i was okay giving you our last goodbye kiss. i was okay giving you our last wave goodbye as i pulled away from the 2 to 5. i was okay until i got to Atherton. i'm surprised i got home from there...

anyways. i wish it wasn't this way, but it is. this isn't to make you feel bad, it's just to keep me from imploding. if anything just be ok knowing that i understand. so, for one last time,

thank you for being. thank you for your existence.



"Don't think twice, it's alright." - Bob Dylan

i just called

to say i love you



been on a stevie wonder kick this week

november 20th

was the last time i updated my pen blog. further proof i can't keep anything going.




also, i wish i had a person out there somewhere that was as happy to see me every day as my dog is.

i love you, kahuna

my friend asked me

if i made up the weird, sometimes seemingly nonsensical shit i type in bulletins or what.

i told him that sometimes i do, but a lot of the times it is just lyrics from whatever song i was listening to.

i typed this whole thing with ymy eyes closed.

i often think

that life would be easier if i had some higher power to look up to.

i have two sisters

and two brothers